Love Conquers All

Forgive and forget… they say time heals all wounds.

I’m not sure these wounds can be healed. It was one thing when you abused me verbally, emotionally, and mentally. It’s a whole different story when you did it to my daughter. She was a baby – only seven years old when you started in on her! Blaming, Yelling, Calling her Stupid, there was nothing she could do right in your eyes, and oh how she tried. Oh how she wanted to please you.

You say you love me – if that is true, how could you hurt something so dear and tender to me? Those are my babies! A mother’s love! There is NOTHING ELSE LIKE IT! Were you jealous? Were you envious? Did she have something you wanted, so you used your manhood might to crush her spirit, her self esteem, her value? She watched you, she learned from you. All she ever wanted was a Daddy.

She started treating her friends the way she saw you treat others. She couldn’t understand why it was so wrong, when it was done to her. You are an ADULT – she is just a child. Embarrassing her in front of friends? Ridiculing her in front of family members? When she would come to you with news of accomplishments you stole her glory by dismissing it. You withheld love from her. You have SCARRED HER FOR LIFE! DO YOU REALIZE WHAT YOUR WORDS HAVE DONE? You have stolen an innocence from her that she was entitled to… you used your booming voice and hefty size, making her feel smaller and smaller inside – worth nothing.

You said what you felt – nothing. She felt what you said – nothing!

I’m mad as hell! You should have known better. None of us ever treated you that way! Do you feel like a big man now that what you have done is exposed? Do you feel good knowing you broke the spirit of a child?

For the life of me, I don’t understand why… I’ve asked it a million times!

You treated us all like we meant nothing. We meant nothing, and we felt it. I tried so hard to soften your heart. I prayed daily for your salvation that you so pridefully defended you had! I prayed that your heart of stone – that grumpy old man – would see how lucky he was to have us. I just knew that love could conquer evil. I was hopeful that you would be swayed by my love. I forgave you day after day. I forgave you morning – noon and night. I forgave the mocking, belittling me in front of family and friends, leaving me stranded, not caring how or if I could get home, never leaving a light on, keeping me away from family and friends, mocking me as I talked to friends, telling me I was acting stupid when I used humor or wit to cheer someone up, guilting me into doing things I did not want to do, guilting me into doing things I found morally and unethically sound.

I believed you when you said you loved me… I believed you. I gave you chance after chance, pleading for peace in my broken soul and spirit. I was in a constant state of confusion during our entire relationship. I never knew what to do to make you happy. Your actions did not align to your words. However, for several years, my heart was telling me to leave, my soul knew there was something not right, but I never felt led to leave you. I felt that God still had work to do. I begged God to release me from this marriage – to not endure anymore of your belittling, cowardish, bullying words and actions.

I remember crying into my pillow at night… begging for forgiveness of whatever I had done to be in the hell I was living and watching my children live. But, I continued to trust in God – he has a plan – I begged for him to reveal it to me.

I turned it over to Him to control, because you were out of control. I trusted God’s plan and endured my own little private hell for years. I continued to say I love you, which I thought I meant… and actually I do mean, but not as a wife.

You always had the last word… it was an ‘or else’ statement every time. A threat – no… you meant it! I remember the first time you said it… and I challenged you, being the feisty woman I am. Boy did you put me in my place real quick. Everyone that knew me couldn’t believe I was broken down as low as you broke me. But, for that I take responsibility, because I had a choice, and I chose to stay put. I had faith and love big enough for all of us to turn this thing around. But you won, as you always did. Every fight, every game, every debate… you always came out right and on top.

I’ve never in my life met anyone as cruel, heartless and manipulative as you. I thought it was an act, to protect a soft heart hidden inside. I searched for years for a glimpse of it… I begged for you to show me that heart. To share with me – to be intimate… but in my most humble, vulnerable and transparent moments, you took advantage and knocked me to my knees. Your words were not like a knife, but more like salt being grinded into an open wound. But I wasn’t enough. You had to move on to my children – the things I valued and loved. You had to tear them apart too. My parents, my dreams, even down to my dog, who you scolded and kicked. You kicked a wounded dog down, just like you kicked me and my daughter down.

I had a spirit that could fly like the wind – passionate and deep… you broke me. You broke my daughter. It took a life changing event to make me see… to lift the scales from my eyes to what you were – what you were doing to me… to my baby.

Now, you are out of our lives. And honestly… it is liberating! None of us miss you. This home is so much more joyful – so much more at peace without you in our lives to beat us down with your words day after day.

My prayer, even when we were together, was that our house would be a home… a safe haven for our family. A place to feel safe, at peace and rest. I wanted nothing more than to hear echoes of laughter and joy bounce off the walls, instead of fists and doors slamming.

For years I felt God did not answer my prayers… that his answer was “No”. But, God did answer that prayer. Our home is now a safe haven – a refuge – full of healing hearts, no longer afraid. No one is afraid to speak anymore. No one is afraid to show love anymore. This house is warm again. A family lives here again. We now have, what you proclaimed you so badly desired.

And now… well – you crossed the line. There is a consequence. Yes there is a limit to how many chances you get in life.

I remember you saying that the opposite of love is not hating… it is nothing. That’s what you gave us – nothing… So I guess that means, you never did truly love us.

Nothing. I don’t love you. I don’t hate you.

At times I feel sorry for you, but then again, you made your choice, you will have to deal with the consequence. I tried to warn you that you had crossed the line. I wrote you letters in hopes they would get through since my words were never heard– you would not listen. I begged and pleaded to be heard, you ridiculed and mocked me.

Recently you said you still loved me and that you are a changed man. You said that I can’t say you don’t love me, because you can’t tell your heart who to love. Well that is true; however, you can’t force your heart to love someone either. When you lived here, love didn’t live here. Now that you are gone, love has come back to heal and restore.

I loved you unconditionally during our marriage. You know it is true. Love. Love conquers all, not you, not your crafty manipulative ways. And the love of a mother, to rescue her child has saved us all. Hopefully love has saved you, and you are a changed man… but you are not a man I could ever spend the rest of my life with.

Forgive you? I have. .. Forget? Impossible.

It’s time for this broken wing to heal and fly again…