What makes your heart hurt?

My heart hurts tonight… what’s that quote… “A mother is only as happy as her happiest child.”? Well…do stepchildren count?

Let me introduce you to my stepdaughter. She is 12 years old, but looks like she’s 16. She’s at that awkward age for every girl. She started her period last year, found out about her parent’s divorce when she was 7, thinks she knows everything, but is the most lonely, searching, desolate little girl I’ve ever met.

She has very low self esteem, she’s overweight, she’s self conscience, moody, a manipulator, and will do whatever it takes to get attention…good or bad. When she gets into one of her moods, which can change in less than a split second, it’s miserable.

I know she’s like this… I know this about her. Many times she makes me angry as she attempts to play me to get what she wants. At first I was ‘daddy’s girlfriend’…. Daddy’s girl friend was cool and fun to be around because she got a ‘friend’ not a mom. Once I became step mom, things change… I think she was afraid I was going to take her daddy away from her. Little girls are protective of their daddies. Then, she plays her dad…who will let her get away with whatever she wants. I think it’s the guilt men with children feel when they go through a divorce…

His daughter has issues…lots of them. He won't face them, and neither will her mother. A couple of weekends ago she got into one of her funks while we were driving in the car. Enough was enough... I wouldn't tolerate this behavior from my children, I won't tolerate it from my step children either.

So... I called her on it. She told me she didn’t have to talk to me…and refused to speak. She clammed up, stared out the car window into her own little world. I stopped the car, grabbed her chin and made her look at me. I told her, “You know what Cara? You are right! You ARE right! YOU DON’T have to talk to me. You don’t have to talk to anyone…but just remember…that goes TWO ways! And if you want ANY kind of friendship or relationship with ANYONE…me…kids at school…even your dad… you better open it up, because it’s not a one way relationship here. I may not be your mother, but I love you like you were one of my own.” (tears are welling up in the eyes of this little hardened heart I am talking to). I went on to say, “and if you decide you only want to talk to me when it’s convenient…when you want something or need something… I may decide that I DON'T want to talk to you…I may shut you out…that’s the way it works in your little world…isn’t it?”

Well…like I’ve been told before…I don’t always have a knack for tack. However, even though she pouted out of the car and slammed the door when I dropped her off at her moms house… I got through. Even though I don’t always see it, Joe tells me Cara will talk to me before she will even talk to her own mom sometimes…

So…that brings us to today. And my heart hurts for Cara. She asked me a couple of weeks ago if she could have an End of Summer Swim party at my mom’s house. I was a little shocked, but say sure. I’m all about parties…of all kinds…but I’ve been told that her mom is just not that kind of person… So…I embraced the event. I even told my own girls that this was not a time for them…it was a ‘big girl party’. I was just so ecstatic that Cara was actually inviting some girls over to hang out…this is something she has NEVER done before. We made invitations, passed them out. We ordered Little Caesar’s Pizza (nastiest stuff I ever tasted), cokes, etc. My dad cleaned the pool this morning and my mom put out new pool cushions and fluffed them up. Everything was ready…everything was prepared.

It was every young girl’s nightmare…

No one showed up. No one. No one called. No one came. She handled it with grace…that little heart of stone. I put my arm around her and asked if she was okay. ‘Yep’ was all I got. I asked if she was mad… no answer…she just held up her thumb and index finger to signal a gauge of, ‘just a little’. I asked if she was sad…and the flood gates opened. Bless her little heart.

My heart truly aches for her tonight…

Originally Posted: Saturday August 5, 2006 09:42 pm