What Just Happened? Originally Posted December 8, 2006

It’s been a whirl wind since Chicago… and I’m just now coming up for air…

I’ve not taken a moment to face the demons from Chicago…I’ve buried them so I can get through all the school, PTA, catch up at work, Christmas Parades, home décor, and garage sale things going on the past week. It’s been busy… but I’ve kind of made it that way on purpose.

Last night, for reasons I cannot explain, I broke down. I literally fell apart... I don’t remember the last time I’ve done this… perhaps when grief overtook me at my grandfather's funeral…which is what scares me to death.

I remember in s lo w m o t io n, but in a blur... taking the stairs two at a time to my bathroom upstairs...but for the life of me, I don’t remember what triggered the surge of emotions that sent me up the stairs in the first place. I felt the overwhelming grief hit me in the stomach like a semi-truck. A hollow, bottomless pit… my chest tightened up… my breath shortened up…my eyes started to water…then the flood gates opened up wide… I found myself gasping for air.

I don’t cry easily. I’ve been called a Steel Magnolia before.

So why did this happen? I remember getting angry with myself for even having this self-pitiful moment in the mirror… I took a hot shower and was fine.

So I thought.

Laying in bed, it hit again… out of freaking no where… a complete overwhelming urge to cry…to bawl… a rush of loneliness, disappointment and isolation flooded into my body. I flipped over onto my stomach and buried my head into my pillow, so my kids and husband would not hear me. My pillow was soaked when I woke up… It’s all still a blur…what just happened to me?
Tags: | Edit Tags

Friday December 8, 2006 - 02:43pm (CST) Edit | Delete | Permanent Link | 13 Comments