Two down doesn’t look so good on a resume… So at what point do you stop – and wonder what happened? At what point do you realize what it will take to not make the same mistakes again? At what point do you truly understand what recovery means?
Webster defines “recover” as:
1. to get back or regain (something lost or taken away).
2. to make up for or make good (loss, damage, etc., to oneself).
3. to regain the strength, composure, balance, or the like, of (oneself).
Why is it that we feel we must join a group, go to therapy, find some outlet to heal ourselves? It all begins inside – way deep in the core of whom we are truly designed to be. We are all unique – no two souls alike, so how can one cookie cutter therapy class work for all people?
It must begin within you.
That is where you learn to recover, to regain your strength, and find who you truly are. However, it is a place most of us don’t want to go. We all have demons. We all have skeletons. If you think you don’t, you are a liar; and most of all, you are lying to yourself and robbing your own self of a promising future, of a road to true contentment and satisfaction.
It takes courage to look deep within yourself with a critical microscope. Frankly, it is something I have avoided for most of my life. I don’t want to be reminded of the flaws, the failures, the mistakes and misguided attempts to lead ‘the good life’. However, it must be done. Only by doing this have I been able to truly recover.
One failed marriage landed me in the arms of another failed marriage. Had I only taken the time to truly evaluate myself, my needs, my wants, my desires, my failures, my mistakes… maybe I wouldn’t have made the same mistakes over and over again… and maybe… just maybe my children would not have had to suffer as a consequence of my lack of maturity to see how my own selfishness put them in harms way.
Yes, I take full responsibility for the mistake of marrying my second husband – and honestly – I take full responsibility for marrying my first husband as well. I had a choice. My hand was not forced. But I allowed the peer pressure of my lover, of my friends, of society, and of my own selfish demons pressure the decision for me, when honestly inside my heart I knew both times it was not love... it was ‘want’.
Want what you ask?
A need to feel needed, valued, loved. I had a need that I wanted to be filled… The fairytale… that’s what I’m told… but honestly… ask yourself that question. Who doesn’t want the fairytale? We all want it. It is not realistic. To want is realistic… but to realize that wants and desires are like a burning fire that can never be fully satisfied – that is reality. And to accept that reality… well… in my opinion, that is where love comes in. You can only love when you accept the whole deal… the good with the bad and it must come from both parties. If you don’t feel you are accepted just the way you are… if you feel like you have to be someone you are not… READ THE SIGNS for Pete’s sake and move on!
I am not a pessimist by any means. In fact, my positive attitude is what makes me who I am. But I am a realist. And in reality, no one or nothing is perfect. It is what it is, as the saying goes… unless it isn’t. Until I can see myself for what I am, and until I find someone who can see me and themselves the same way, I don’t think any relationship of any kind will ever work.
So the point of this whole blog… Divorce Recovery: Take Two… who needs it?
I don’t need anyone else to tell me what I did wrong – what he did wrong – what we did wrong. I already know. Where I go from here is what matters. What I learned as a wife – as a mother… that’s where I go. I cannot blame my marriage on his behavior – I tolerated, enabled, or fought it… all three are no way to make a marriage work.
Any relationship – be it marriage, friendship, or co-worker – there must be understanding and a willingness to accept flaws in each other and accept criticism of your own flaws. There must be willingness to want to make the other person happy, and not be selfish or self-centered in doing so. So don’t come to another with your bowl thinking that person can fill it up – fill the voids you hold in your heart.
It will not happen.
But if you can look into yourself and fill your own voids and be satisfied when you look in the mirror and think, “I do like who I am”, then you are on the road to recovery. And that is exactly where I am... no expectations of anyone else. Only expectations of what I can do for myself and in return, what I can do for others – but only after I see it within myself.