525,600 minutes

Five Hundred Twenty Five Thousand Six Hundred Minutes

How do you measure a year of life?

I love this song from RENT. I’ve never seen the movie, but I love this song. It screams “Live your Life and cherish THOSE you love, not the ‘stuff’ you love!”

Stuff is just stuff. It’s generic, it’s bulky, it is nondescript. Stuff is just anything, nothing really important, that fills the voids, the holes, the insecurities of our lives. Why spend our time, our precious minutes given to us in this world on stuff? Why stuff our time, our schedules with nondescript things that will have no impact or enhance our personal lives and relationships?

“Yet you do not know what your life will be like tomorrow. You are just a vapor that appears for a little while and then vanishes away.” ~ James 4:14

So why waste the most precious gift given to us – our lives, which translates into time – on stuff – that just fills the empty holes?

I’m told I’m a busy person. It drives my family crazy sometimes. “A fly by the seat of my pants” kinda gal. Schedules can drive me nuts, but without them I go nuts because I’m constantly on the go. Constantly doing something and I have a hard time saying no. But, I do carefully choose what I spend my time on. It’s not random nor is it without purpose…

And here is why…

Way over Five Hundred Twenty Five Thousand Six Hundred Minutes ago, God started cleaning house on me. Some days I feel my life is a written script of 'WHAT NOT TO DO'... In the last year, I’ve lost most material possessions that I used to cherish. I got to the point where I was beyond the point of worry, grasping to hold on to the temporal things of this earth. The only ‘thing to do’ was trust in my Lord to meet my needs.

So, I took a leap of faith and dove right in…

He met my needs, but not exactly how I expected or wanted at the time. He met my needs by repossessing my ‘dream’ car I had worked many years to payoff, only to put it up for collateral on a dream home I had always wanted, in order to appear I had ‘arrived’ and lived in a big girl house. I played the role of the happy, successful wife and mother well… but it was just STUFF and God had even bigger STUFF in store for me.

But the only way for me to see what he had in store for me was to strip me from the stuff I had been placing so much value in. It was a painful process, but once I got there, I found peace… a peace that can only come from a divine spirit. And I quickly realized that there are so many other things that I should be focused on, like focusing on HIM and relationships of those people He so divinely placed in my life.

Yes, I believe everything happens for a reason and paths do not cross by fate, but by divine purpose

So, now I try to listen more, talk less. When I say I will pray for others, I mean it. I don’t volunteer or offer my precious time unless I see a way it can glorify my Lord. I’m not stingy with the only free resource God has given me. Time. So, I try to give more and take less, love more and gripe less, be available for my family more and spend my time doing things I love, not dread for the sake of filling empty holes. In exchange I focus more on filling up empty hearts full of love. Build up instead of tear down, lift up instead of step on for personal gain. Plainly do the right thing.

“Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind. This is the first and greatest commandment. And the second is like it: 'Love your neighbor as yourself.' ~ Matthew 22: 37 – 39

So although I tease that it is ‘ALL ABOUT ME’… it really isn’t. But shhh… let’s just keep that between us, ok?

Pursuit of Happiness...

I watched “The Pursuit of Happiness” with Will Smith this weekend. I have to admit, I didn’t have it on my radar as a must see movie. It appeared that the scope of the movie was already played out in the trailers. I already knew how this movie would end. But it was on, so I watched it while I did a little computer work and laundry.

To my surprise, I was drawn in… completely captivated by this character, Chris Gardner. The portrayal of this man’s life was moving… truly a man tested and purified through fire. From losing his wife, risking a new career, facing social and economical prejudices – this man held me in awe for the love of his child and his actual pursuit to find happiness. Each time he turned around there was another obstacle, as if he played the role of Job himself. What more could a man take, yet hold all composure in the eyes of his son and his employer.

It’s probably true for most of us, that when trial presents itself, we go into self pity mode. Chris Gardner had every right to – yet he fought it and prevailed. He did not let cynical remarks flow off his lips, which could have been so easily justified… yet he thought before he spoke – never lied to cover his personal issues – yet deflected them in a witty manner, which landed him a new career.

So I ran into this guy at the River Market one day…

A true hippy, I thought, as I noticed his long hair, pony tail, dirty nails and tan skin. He had his table set up to sell stones and minerals that promised healing powers and supernatural protections. I’m not into all the ‘hocus-pocus’ behind the power of a rock, but as an artist, I have always been drawn to the symbol of a rock for strength and power, especially in my faith as a Christian. Brooks babbling over rocks, cliffs and bluffs have always stimulated my love for beauty in nature. So, I stopped to see what he had laying about.

I was intrigued by the beauty of each stone. They all had meaning behind them according to him, but their beauty was captivating. The way some glistened and reflected the light – the way some held such a bold defining brilliance. Some were laying about just scattered on the table, while others had been caged in copper wiring to hand delicately as a necklace.

Time was running short, so I thanked him for letting me indulge my eyes in the beauty of his rocks and went about my business.

Several hours later, as I was returning to my car, I walked by his table again. The sun was not beaming hot and most other vendors in the River Market had already closed up shop. But the Rock Man… He was still there. He said, “Hello”, and was again drawn to the beauty that sprawled on the table.

“How much?” I asked, more in a manner of being polite than of actually wanting to purchase. He said, “For you, $4 dollars”. Wow – only four bucks… I could swing that. There was one rock in particular that held my gaze. I asked how much for the pendant and the single matching stone, and he said, “For you, $5 dollars”. Wow, what a bargain. The rocks reminded me of an old friend, so I decided to purchase the pendant and the loose stone. He thanked me kindly, and delicately wrapped each stone in a piece of old worn cloth. I took my treasures and went merrily on my way.

So what does “The Pursuit of Happiness” and the Rock Man have to do with each other?

Well… about 2 weeks after I had purchased the rocks, I saw the Rock Man. But this time he was not at the River Market. He did not have his loot sprawled out for all to see, there was no beautiful sunlight glistening off his display. He was hunched over a bag that appeared to weigh more than he. It was obviously clear that what I had mistaken as a hippy appearance was that of a homeless man living on the street.

My mind instantly raced back to the day I saw him at the River Market. He was gentle and well mannered. He was as clean as clean could be, I thought… and to think he was carrying around his income, home, and food wherever he roamed. Chris Gardner came to mind, as he too was homeless at one time. But you never would have known it; just I never suspected it from the Rock Man. I give that man a lot of credit, to preserve these tough times right now. I hope that $5 I gave him provided a hot meal for his belly. Something that seemed so frivolous to me, gave more to him, I am sure. I wish the Rock Man well and do hope that he lands on top through his trials he is facing.

“If you're going through hell, Keep on going, Don't slow down
If you're scared, don't show it, You might get out
Before the devil even knows you're there”
~ Rodney Atkins song If You’re Going Through Hell

Love Conquers All

Forgive and forget… they say time heals all wounds.

I’m not sure these wounds can be healed. It was one thing when you abused me verbally, emotionally, and mentally. It’s a whole different story when you did it to my daughter. She was a baby – only seven years old when you started in on her! Blaming, Yelling, Calling her Stupid, there was nothing she could do right in your eyes, and oh how she tried. Oh how she wanted to please you.

You say you love me – if that is true, how could you hurt something so dear and tender to me? Those are my babies! A mother’s love! There is NOTHING ELSE LIKE IT! Were you jealous? Were you envious? Did she have something you wanted, so you used your manhood might to crush her spirit, her self esteem, her value? She watched you, she learned from you. All she ever wanted was a Daddy.

She started treating her friends the way she saw you treat others. She couldn’t understand why it was so wrong, when it was done to her. You are an ADULT – she is just a child. Embarrassing her in front of friends? Ridiculing her in front of family members? When she would come to you with news of accomplishments you stole her glory by dismissing it. You withheld love from her. You have SCARRED HER FOR LIFE! DO YOU REALIZE WHAT YOUR WORDS HAVE DONE? You have stolen an innocence from her that she was entitled to… you used your booming voice and hefty size, making her feel smaller and smaller inside – worth nothing.

You said what you felt – nothing. She felt what you said – nothing!

I’m mad as hell! You should have known better. None of us ever treated you that way! Do you feel like a big man now that what you have done is exposed? Do you feel good knowing you broke the spirit of a child?

For the life of me, I don’t understand why… I’ve asked it a million times!

You treated us all like we meant nothing. We meant nothing, and we felt it. I tried so hard to soften your heart. I prayed daily for your salvation that you so pridefully defended you had! I prayed that your heart of stone – that grumpy old man – would see how lucky he was to have us. I just knew that love could conquer evil. I was hopeful that you would be swayed by my love. I forgave you day after day. I forgave you morning – noon and night. I forgave the mocking, belittling me in front of family and friends, leaving me stranded, not caring how or if I could get home, never leaving a light on, keeping me away from family and friends, mocking me as I talked to friends, telling me I was acting stupid when I used humor or wit to cheer someone up, guilting me into doing things I did not want to do, guilting me into doing things I found morally and unethically sound.

I believed you when you said you loved me… I believed you. I gave you chance after chance, pleading for peace in my broken soul and spirit. I was in a constant state of confusion during our entire relationship. I never knew what to do to make you happy. Your actions did not align to your words. However, for several years, my heart was telling me to leave, my soul knew there was something not right, but I never felt led to leave you. I felt that God still had work to do. I begged God to release me from this marriage – to not endure anymore of your belittling, cowardish, bullying words and actions.

I remember crying into my pillow at night… begging for forgiveness of whatever I had done to be in the hell I was living and watching my children live. But, I continued to trust in God – he has a plan – I begged for him to reveal it to me.

I turned it over to Him to control, because you were out of control. I trusted God’s plan and endured my own little private hell for years. I continued to say I love you, which I thought I meant… and actually I do mean, but not as a wife.

You always had the last word… it was an ‘or else’ statement every time. A threat – no… you meant it! I remember the first time you said it… and I challenged you, being the feisty woman I am. Boy did you put me in my place real quick. Everyone that knew me couldn’t believe I was broken down as low as you broke me. But, for that I take responsibility, because I had a choice, and I chose to stay put. I had faith and love big enough for all of us to turn this thing around. But you won, as you always did. Every fight, every game, every debate… you always came out right and on top.

I’ve never in my life met anyone as cruel, heartless and manipulative as you. I thought it was an act, to protect a soft heart hidden inside. I searched for years for a glimpse of it… I begged for you to show me that heart. To share with me – to be intimate… but in my most humble, vulnerable and transparent moments, you took advantage and knocked me to my knees. Your words were not like a knife, but more like salt being grinded into an open wound. But I wasn’t enough. You had to move on to my children – the things I valued and loved. You had to tear them apart too. My parents, my dreams, even down to my dog, who you scolded and kicked. You kicked a wounded dog down, just like you kicked me and my daughter down.

I had a spirit that could fly like the wind – passionate and deep… you broke me. You broke my daughter. It took a life changing event to make me see… to lift the scales from my eyes to what you were – what you were doing to me… to my baby.

Now, you are out of our lives. And honestly… it is liberating! None of us miss you. This home is so much more joyful – so much more at peace without you in our lives to beat us down with your words day after day.

My prayer, even when we were together, was that our house would be a home… a safe haven for our family. A place to feel safe, at peace and rest. I wanted nothing more than to hear echoes of laughter and joy bounce off the walls, instead of fists and doors slamming.

For years I felt God did not answer my prayers… that his answer was “No”. But, God did answer that prayer. Our home is now a safe haven – a refuge – full of healing hearts, no longer afraid. No one is afraid to speak anymore. No one is afraid to show love anymore. This house is warm again. A family lives here again. We now have, what you proclaimed you so badly desired.

And now… well – you crossed the line. There is a consequence. Yes there is a limit to how many chances you get in life.

I remember you saying that the opposite of love is not hating… it is nothing. That’s what you gave us – nothing… So I guess that means, you never did truly love us.

Nothing. I don’t love you. I don’t hate you.

At times I feel sorry for you, but then again, you made your choice, you will have to deal with the consequence. I tried to warn you that you had crossed the line. I wrote you letters in hopes they would get through since my words were never heard– you would not listen. I begged and pleaded to be heard, you ridiculed and mocked me.

Recently you said you still loved me and that you are a changed man. You said that I can’t say you don’t love me, because you can’t tell your heart who to love. Well that is true; however, you can’t force your heart to love someone either. When you lived here, love didn’t live here. Now that you are gone, love has come back to heal and restore.

I loved you unconditionally during our marriage. You know it is true. Love. Love conquers all, not you, not your crafty manipulative ways. And the love of a mother, to rescue her child has saved us all. Hopefully love has saved you, and you are a changed man… but you are not a man I could ever spend the rest of my life with.

Forgive you? I have. .. Forget? Impossible.

It’s time for this broken wing to heal and fly again…

It's the Little Things

It’s the little things in life that affect us day to day.
The little things in life that mold us like clay.
The little things that speak volumes to our hearts
The little things in life that can tear souls apart.

It’s the smile you see reflected in another person’s eyes
Quietly lending a tissue to a friend with crying eyes
Standing by the side of a loved one in need
No words are spoken, your emotions they can read

It’s the laughter of your children as they giggle and they play
The smile from your spouse at the end of a long day
The gentle look across the room that puts your heart at ease
It’s these little things in life that not everybody sees.

But it is also little things that can wound over time
Like interrupting others, not letting them speak their mind
Discarding someone’s dream as ridiculous or dim
Casting careless comments on an unforgettable whim

Going to bed at night with your spouse just feet away
Longing to be held – knowing right there they lay
Rejection and withholding kill all good things in life
Especially when it is between a husband and a wife

The little things in life must be handled with utmost care
Not taking for granted the gift of love that two people share
If the little things are given attention to each detail
The big things in life go smoothly – and love will never fail.

Trish
June 2009

First Ride...

A bit uneasy

Intimidation could win
I jump on this bike
To try her out for a spin

A virgin driver
As I turn the key
The power I feel
Rising up into me.

Maneuvering clutch
Throttle, no brake
My first take off
No room for mistake

Adrenaline rush
Clutch, shift, throttle
Click it up higher
Excitement unbottled

Round for the turn
Wind on my face
Incredibly awesome
This virgin’s first taste

It’s not just the rush
It’s confidence inside
So open and free
Let’s go for a ride!

How Far Do You Let It Go...

“The abuser engineer’s impossible, dangerous, unpredictable, unprecedented, or highly specific situations in which he is needed, depended on or considered the only source of authority, knowledge, skills, or useful traits. Consequently, the abuser generates his own indispensability. In his/her mind and yours, you are completely dependent on him and you should never forget it. The moment you do, he will find someway to put you in your place again.”


Crafty and Manipulative
Strategic and carefully planned
Overt or Covert… it’s all about control
Sly and underhanded
Not easily recoginized
Intimidating
No visible scars
Only Scars on the heart
Unpredictiable
Walking on eggshells
Fear of failure
In a fog, just going through the motions
No direction, no sense of purpose.
Withholding
Rolling eyes
Heavy sighs
Mumbled sarcasm
Like a hot burning iron pressed to the skin
Is that how love is supposed to sink in?
Raised voices and anger over simple little things
Impossible situations
The complete authority over all things.
Dehumanizing, unsympathetic
Relationships are replaceable, unneeded or wanted.
So Together, but so broken inside…